(Audio of final sketch: Tantrum Mum, Newsjack, Series 24, Episode 2, BBC Radio 4 Xtra and BBC Radio 4 (See 9′ 16”))
This sketch made the script for Series 24, Episode 2 of BBC Radio 4 Xtra’s topical comedy show Newsjack. The script was altered a bit for the show by the script editors, but I thought it might be useful to show the original version here. ‘Kiri’ refers to Kiri Pritchard-Mclean, who was the presenter of the show.
The sketch was based on this news story in The Guardian: Boris Johnson: workers will return to offices in ‘a few short months’
KIRI:
Speaking at a rail industry conference on Friday, Boris Johnson predicted that workers will be back in their offices in a ‘few short months’. For people who can’t avoid it, this means going back to a routine they’d hoped to forget…
FX: Radio on in kitchen, sounds of chopping/breakfast dishes
DAD:
Breakfast guys! I expect you washed, dressed and at the table in the next five minutes, or I’m coming up there!
FX: Sound of someone running down stairs
JAMES:
Hi Dad!
DAD:
James. Wow, you’re dressed, and you’ve got your bag all ready.
JAMES:
Don’t want to be late. It’s double maths today.
DAD:
But you hate maths!
JAMES:
[MUTTERS] Depends on who’s teaching it.
DAD:
What?
JAMES:
Nothing!
DAD:
[SHOUTS] Come on Rach, you’ll be late!
RACHEL:
[SHOUTS BACK] I’m not going! You can’t make me!
DAD:
Come on love. Just get dressed and come down. You have to go today.
RACHEL:
But why?
DAD:
Because you’re the regional manager, and you have to set a good example for your employees, that’s why.
RACHEL:
Arghhh!
FX: Sound of slamming door.
JAMES:
Mum’s really not enjoying being back at work, is she?
DAD:
Nope.
FX: Sound of someone running down stairs
DAD:
Here’s your orange juice.
JAMES:
Thanks Dad.
RACHEL:
I think I’ve got a sore throat. Listen. [CROAKS] I’ve got Covid, that’s it, I’ve got Covid.
DAD:
You’ve already had Covid. Remember – last October… Say ahhh.
RACHEL:
Ahhhh.
DAD:
Nothing wrong with you. You’re going, whether you like it or not.
RACHEL:
I hate you! I’m never speaking to you again!
JAMES:
Hah! Busted Mum!
RACHEL:
I am NOT going. I couldn’t find anything to wear this morning. These stupid smart trousers have shrunk. They’re soooo tight. It’s inhumane! I’m calling Amnesty about this! There has to be some statute relating to working conditions…
DAD:
Stop Googling the Geneva Convention – you’re not a prisoner of war. And eat your bran flakes.
RACHEL:
Don’t want bran flakes. Hate bran flakes.
DAD:
[SIGHS]
JAMES:
Mum, if you agree to go to work, I’ll admit I know you at the bus stop.
DAD:
What do you think love? You can’t pass up an offer like that. I mean, was your first day back so bad?
RACHEL:
It was soooo bad. In one of my meetings I was so bored I stopped concentrating, and had to say I hadn’t heard what was said because my wifi connection dropped out.
DAD:
And that was bad because?
RACHEL:
It was an in-person staff meeting…in my own office…and I was running it…
DAD:
Ah.
RACHEL:
Don’t make me go. [STARTS TO CRY] You can’t.
JAMES:
Okay, okay…I’ll even let you hug me in front of other people…
RACHEL:
[SNIFFLES] Really? Oh…all right then. But I’m working from home tomorrow.
DAD: We’ll see.
END